Baby Boundaries for Better Sleep (and a happier baby)
by Heidi Holvoet

Let's talk boundaries today.

It might feel like a surprising topic in a baby-centered, and in particular the heartfelt and kind, truly-no-tears sleep parenting we're about here.

And yet I see evidence, every day and time and time again, of how important boundaries are. Used with heart, and cleverly, at any age, they're the kindest thing you can do for your child.

Boundaries are often the key thing that helps turn sleep around for the better.

A baby/toddler can lead to communicate ...

So, taking baby or toddler's lead, allowing them to communicate what they need, is great. It's beautiful and a powerful parenting foundation.

Observing, listening, watching, taking feedback. It's how we find out what they need, and how we can best cater to those needs.

This allows a baby for example to feed on demand so they get the exact right amount of nutrients,

communicate when they're in pain so we can take the necessary steps to relieve that pain,

make it known when they need your comfort and presence so they can bond and develop with a strong foundation of trust.

Still, there are moments when it's more helpful that you as a parent take the lead.

4 months old or 2.5 years old or anything in between: your little one is still tiny, and doesn't know everything.

... and also needs guidance (kind boundaries)

Sometimes you have to make it easier on them by being clear on what you, as a parent, the adult, know that's right.

A common example is a baby or toddler who takes to biting / scraping teeth when nursing.

Or, if you don't nurse, think of your little one biting your cheek in stead of a kiss, or grabbing your arms super hard when held.

They may do this as a way to 'test' / 'play' with their new teeth/muscles, got a 'fun' reaction out of their parent once and wanting to repeat, and for others yet it may soothe their sore gums in a way.

💕 nOthing of malice in any way is meant by a baby who does this, because they don't know that they're hurting you, right?

But that doesn't mean you have to let them do it.

First of all it's painful, and even more so it's emotionally very difficult: biting when nursing, or hit when holding in a soothing hug, can feel (and rightly so!) like such an attack on your body, by the exact person you're giving your ALL to feed, comfort and help sleep. Even when it's draining you in many ways.

This is where a kind boundary comes in: "biting is not right", "hitting or grabbing so hard it hurts is not right".

There is no age at which you have to allow a child to do this [hurtful / dangerous / unhealthy / ... thing], and no good reason.

This doesn't mean you have to get mad, scream at your baby, or in any way take it badly, not at all!

Because your baby doesn't know they're doing something wrong, when you've not created that boundary.

When your baby/toddler hurts you, you say in a normal-tone-voice "auw, no", and take them off the breast / out of the close hug.

Casually.

At a-ny age you can in a calm voice explain to your little one what's happened and why it's not OK.

Even if they don't understand all words consciously, the way you explain it, and the fact that you took them out of the situation, and then when repeated with consistency; they will understand.

More baby boundary examples

Other typical examples are a baby/toddler who demands to be latched on all day or night or to be rocked vehemently walking around for prolonged times, day or night, when upset or wanting to sleep. Or requesting unhealthy snacks at times it can interfere with healthy meals.

There are moments, and some characteristics a baby can have, when this is warranted and what a baby truly needs to be comforted at all.

I'm not dismissing this at all.

When this is not the case (anymore) though, a boundary may be necessary, and the kindest thing for all involved.

Helping your baby learn that nursing, or being rocked/held, etc, is good, but they don't need it all the time, can (and again, not in all circumstances, but often) be important. It can be a stepping stone toward more independence, confidence, and empathy.

Why boundaries are important for you AND your child

As a parent, setting boundaries, you also model an important skill: that when something isn't right for you, you are entitled to a boundary.

And I know, as parents we want to do everything for our children. But, and this is important, you're entitled to safeguarding your own health and sanity, and that's a skill you want your little one to learn anyway.

And I know, they're tiny yet and they don't grasp the concept consciously yet. But don't underestimate what a tiny baby absorbs and understands on their level, and then takes along in the upcoming months and years.

A child who's offered kind boundaries is a happier child than one who's granted their every wish.

And I know, you may feel selfish if you deny your baby the breast at some times, or decide on sharing rocking to sleep with your partner even if your baby shows a clear preference for you.

🌸 You're nOt being selfish. Instead, you're doing your baby a kindness.

Boundaries, offered with kindness, help a baby learn what's right in the world (to use big words, but you know what I mean 😊 ) and it makes their world a thousand times less confusing.

Think of a baby who learns early on that biting is not right and therefore knows to be super gentle when nursing or being held closely

vs

a baby who keeps thinking it's ok to bite, but then feels their parents tense up, be annoyed, not understanding why, get upset themselves, and not knowing how to make things better again.

I need to make one thing very clear: this is NOT about being super strict, getting angry at your baby, or denying them comfort or help in a-ny way!

It's also NOT about throwing over-board how good and helpful it can be to soothe and calm your baby when helping them to sleep by feeding, rocking, holding, etc.

🌸 It's about allowing yourself to look after not just your baby but also yourself.

🌸 Reminding yourself that you're entitled to that, and that it's not selfish because you're at the same time ensuring what's best for your baby, and modeling skills you want them to grow up with as well.

🌸 Reminding yourself too that you're the adult, who knows what's right. This does not do away with being baby-centered and catering to their needs, and allowing your little one to communicate and show you what they need. It's about finding a way that's right for you both.

Oh dear, this text got way longer than I thought it would.

You can probably tell it's a topic that I find vEry important.

And that's true, because I witness truly daily how not setting boundaries can make parents' lives so much harder than they should be, and how kind boundaries can turn all that around, and in a big way improve sleep.

I'm curious how you feel about this.

With so much love,
x Heidi
 

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