Avoid sleeping problems due to baby separation
anxiety
Baby separation anxiety is an
often unrecognised cause of disturbed baby sleep. Your
baby refuses to settle at night or for
naps, stops sleeping through the night, often wakes up crying, ...
Fortunately you can prevent
sleep problems due to separation anxiety at night with a
few simple tricks.
What is baby separation anxiety?
Baby separation anxiety is when
your baby fears never to see you again
after you leave.
This can be when you leave her with
another carer but just as much when you go from one room to
the other in your home.
Or when she wakes up at
night and you are not there ...
Observing your baby's separation anxiety may be heartbreaking but it is
actually an important
phase in baby's development. It is how she learns to be an
independent person.
It
usually starts around 4 to 6 months and peaks at about 1 to 1,5 years
old. Still, some babies get rid of it completely by 12 months and
others still suffer at 2.
First, as a newborn, your baby knows no better than she will never be
separated from you. On the other hand, at this age, she does not
remember that you exist when you walk out of the room.
At
about 4 to 6 months, she learns that you and she are different beings
and she also remembers you, even if she does not see you. But she does not have a sense of time
nor the experience to know that you will be back soon. She
thinks it's forever ...
Feeling anxious about not having the security of your presence is only
natural then.
Needless to say that babyseparation
anxiety at bedtime will make it harder for your
baby to go to sleep, or to soothe herself when waking at night.
How to recognise baby separation anxiety
The first step to help your baby through this phase successfully is to recognise her separation anxiety.
Acknowledging her fear will help her overcome it.
You may not notice at first, and wonder why she
cries even if you leave
the room for just two minutes. Something she didn't seem to care about
before.
Or if she's in granny's arms, which she enjoys so much, and you take a
few steps out of sight ...
Or if she doesn't sleep through the night anymore but frequently wakes
at
night all upset ...
Do not think that she is spoilt and tries to get your attention to
trick you. Her fear is
real. Comforting and reassuring
without dramatising is the best help you can offer.
How to avoid sleep problems due to separation
anxiety
The
first thing we all need to sleep well, is the knowledge that we are
safe and secure. Your goal when dealing with your baby's separation
anxiety is to grow her
confidence in being separated from you, namely that you
will be back.
Here's what you can do:
Play peek-a-boo and hide-and-seek
From
a couple of months old, start playing peek-a-boo games regularly: hide
your face and then re-appear ... your baby will giggle in delight.
Gradually
hide your face for a bit longer each time. Also hide underneath the
table, or behind a door. Watch your baby to see how far you can go.
Or it can be baby hiding from you ... I've never met a baby who doesn't
love this!
Do these games frequently, by seeing you re-appear each time, your baby
learns
that you will be back
even if she doesn't see you all the time.
When baby is old enough, regular hide-and-seek is fun and helpful!
Talk about what you will do
Babies
understand a lot more of what we say than we realise.
Therefore, it is a good idea to tell her what you will do while she
sleeps.
Show her e.g. where in the living room you will be reading a book or in
which part of the house you will be doing chores.
Also, if baby does not sleep in your room, it is a good idea to make a
visit to your bedroom part of the bedtime
routine. Knowing where you will be at night may be all the
reassurance she needs when she wakes up.
Do not dramatise
As
heartbreaking as it may be, do not cry with your baby. If she sees you
are confident and it is not a
big deal, that trust will grow in her too.
However, if you cry with her, she will understand that it really is a
bad thing if you are not together all the time.
For
putting her to bed this means: go through the bedtime routine as usual,
and leave the room just as confidently as usual. Do not hesitate but
comfort and reassure when necessary.
Share
tasks with your partner of another carer
If possible,
it is a good idea to have your partner or another carer regularly take
your baby to bed. This will help her get used to not being with you
all the time.
However,
if you breastfeed, you may naturally grow into the only person that
brings her to bed. By the time you stop nursing and want to have
someone else put her to bed, the separation anxiety might be at a peak.
You can wait for the worst of the anxiety to pass.
Alternatively, gradually get your baby used to others taking her to bed
by doing it together at first, taking turns, etc.
Keep
your promises ...
This is a tiny
but powerful trick, most useful for an older baby of one or towards two
years old.
When putting your baby to bed, and she feels uneasy, tell her that you
will come back to check on her soon.
And then do go back, but very quickly, let's say within two minutes.
This way she learns that you
do come back when you say so, and quickly.
Doing
this a couple of times is often enough to reassure her and you may soon
find her to sleep before you get the chance to go back to her room.
Guiding your child through phases of baby separation anxiety is not
always
easy.
But it is rewarding to help your child in this big step: giving
her the confidence to be a person by herself, knowing that you are
still there for her, and always will be.
What is baby separation anxiety?
You may not notice at first, and wonder why she
cries even if you leave
the room for just two minutes. Something she didn't seem to care about
before.
